Puberty: Between freedom and consequence
Puberty is a time that most parents with dread, and the growing experience with uncertainty. Both sides need to learn in this Phase, to conflicts and to hold the Balance between boundaries and open spaces. Parents need to let go, and the children learn at the same time continues to give you Hold.
Conflicts are necessary
However, unlike the majority of feel that puberty is more than just a single crisis. As a Phase of development and detachment, with growing criticism, awareness of the environment and the adult, arise frequent – and, above all, necessary conflicts. The relationship parent – child is re-defined, with uncertain outcome, but by no means hopeless. Only: there are no patent answers, because as unique as the people are as children, so unique in their development to adults.
Protection in the cave
Annika is 13 years old. You see them occasionally on the road, it looks grim. Her face is full of pimples, the hair has been dyed pitch black, and squats, according to her mother, only in your dark room – a typical behavior of pubescent.
One of the best-known German education experts, Jan-Uwe Rogge, like the Declaration of puberty the Lobster as example: He is the only animal that lives for a through puberty. With him the meat and then the tank grows. In order to survive the Lobster back in deep, dark caves at the bottom of the sea. Here in the depth of the meat, and tank grow. And this example has a lot to do with Annika and other adolescents.
“Reach puberty is between 10 and 13, thin-skinned, vulnerable, loses the tank, and in order to survive, you get Lobster in his cave. This cave is called the nursery. A nursery is equivalent to a cave. It is carefully sealed against oxygen influences from the outside. In the cave the so-called scattering of order prevails.” Puberty comes from the Latin “precocious puberty” and means “man”. This is understood to be the physical and mental development of the people between the age of the child and the adult.
In girls in our Latitudes, between the 10. and 18. Years of age, in boys between 12. and 20. Years of age. This Phase of life begins when the brain’s pituitary gland sends a Signal to the body to produce certain hormones. During puberty it comes to sexual maturity.
Argue: communication is difficult, but important
Daniel, almost 14, hated it when the parents argue for hours about a topic. “The Bullshit is annoying, but if that’s not, and I would be you, no matter and everything likely that would be also o. K.”. He describes the relationship with his parents, Hans and Ellen (both 46). The experience for the first Time how their son is growing up. You fluctuate between anger and understanding, generosity, and Strict, but you argue or discuss with Daniel, ready to show and compromise. And every day you try it again, with varying degrees of success, because rarely is Daniel sees the rules.
“Don’t try to make it to your Pubescent law. That’s impossible.”, Jan-Uwe Rogge says. Because in order to become independent and Autonomous, to solve the young people of the parents as the primary caregivers. This leads, for example, demonstrated indifference to the reduction of the parents as useless or incapable. Insubordination and Rebellion against the existing standards and apply according to the assessment by psychologists as healthy and normal.
According to studies, a fifteen-minute dispute with the mother is in girls every 1.5 days, boy, all of four days six minutes. The dispute, which should be especially stressed parents clear, is to replace required. Psychologists even take the view that conflict rather give the poor developments a cause for concern as conflict. The task of parents is to get willingness to talk straight and Stop. Experts, by the way, rates at the conversation to be short and precise conversations without the “cascades of words” (Rogge), in the clear intentions should be articulated.
Balancing act between the limits and paternalism
To adults quarrel is also one of the many, for the development of necessary opportunities, limits. Education researchers agree that limits, together with the rules and agreement, in this Phase, an absolute – be it household work, on certain hours of reaching Home, or clean up. Excessive tolerance and tab rules also provide no basis for friction or dispute, with the result that the adolescent searches for the end of other provocations, on the list of horror scenarios many parents are school failure, alcohol, drugs, or Smoking.
It sounds a little old-fashioned, but rules and boundaries, if they are realistic, and for all parties to manageable agreed to offer guidance and support. The opposite of rules, however, are patronizing, penalties and prohibitions, to which the young people respond with, Despite, and even Aggression – and parents will achieve nothing.
The “magic bag” – dealing with rule violations
Easier said than done, say the parents – to-right. As a rule, are violations Pubescent on the agenda. To ignore them is dangerous because then parents are not credible, limitations lose validity, border crossings to take. Consequences for rule violations, must be the adolescent in each case, as in the example of the “Zaubersacks”.
In his book “the age of puberty, Release and Support” describes how to Jan-Uwe Rogge, like a mother with the Shoe Chaos of their pubescent sons bypasses: if the shoes are not put away after two requests, they disappear in a “magic bag”, a simple bag, well hidden, for a week. So until the sons have no shoes and stockings to go to school. Mind you, mom was so consistent to get through this and reaped at the end of insight in this a point.